Speaking your Truth, Confidently
Advocating for yourself is just another muscle to build as you learn more about what matters to you.
If you followed the Women’s World Cup or women’s soccer after the tournament, you’ve probably seen some of the headlines around now disgraced Spanish Federation President, Luis Rubiales. You’ve also probably seen the dramatics and strong reactions to the player victim who spoke up about his obscene behaviors, Jenni Hermoso. The courage it takes to know what’s right and wrong, to find a way to communicate to the world, the impact it had on you and to stand in the face of global backlash, feels immeasurable.
When I was doing some research for this post, I started looking at other recent examples of men in power in sports who have been called out for their behaviors. Whether that was because of sexual harassment (Michigan State University), hazing and racism (Northwestern University) or creating a toxic culture (University of Minnesota) -- the common theme journalists use to describe these situations is ‘disgraceful’. But what I kept thinking about is how much grace those who finally spoke up against these machines of money and power possessed and wondered how they gained the confidence to do so.
So as I think about the work I’ve been doing with women athletes lately and how they continue to work on speaking their truth confidently, I started thinking about the progression from mundane day to day communication to these remarkable examples of strength and how women athletes can get there.
Let’s break down an example to illustrate some of the commonalities in deciding to give feedback about the burger you had for lunch and standing up to someone in a position of power when they’ve done something harmful.
Here’s a quick structure for us to use as we think about how we make decisions, big or small.
Quick Note: None of these answers are black and white, but are meant to be questions you take a pause to consider what they mean to you.
Right vs. Wrong
Is it easy to discern right from wrong in the scenario?
Can you gain clarity in the situation as right or wrong against your values?
Assessing Risk
How big of a risk is it to speak up?
What are you compromising if you do or don’t say something?
Validating your Emotions
Do you have a network around you to support your decision either way?
When you’ve taken a pause to think about what emotions are activated in this situation, are you able to confirm how you’re feeling?
Evidence from Past Experiences
Do you have past experiences with speaking up or staying quiet in a similar situation?
How did you feel in that instance? And what are you carrying with you from that?
Burger time…
Using the framework above, let’s think about this scenario I think most folks have encountered before. You’re at a restaurant with a group of friends and order a burger just the way you like it. The food comes out and it seems that only your food was done wrong, leaving you to decide whether or not you tell your server and ask for a new burger.
Right vs. Wrong
In this case, it’s pretty clear what's right vs. wrong. You ordered a burger a certain way and what’s in front of you is not what you ordered.
Assessing Risk
It seems pretty low risk to speak up to the server and get your order corrected. No one has to lose their job or even get upset, it’s just a matter of preparing a new dish.
Validating your Emotions
You’ve got your girls around you to share some fries while you wait for the burger to be made right and to also confirm that you deserve to get what you ordered and are planning to pay for.
Evidence of Past Experiences
You’ve been in this situation in the past, and have had a positive outcome when you asked for the server to correct your order.
So, without much debate, you ask the server to correct your order and you get to enjoy the burger of your dreams.
Okay it seems silly I know…but knowing what you want, asking for it and not getting it, asking for it again and getting it, starts small. And being able to do this in the seemingly silly moments can help you develop the confidence to do it in larger moments.
Despite having a lot of power, money and history stacked against her, Jenni spoke up anyway. I’m not sure what her motivating forces were, but I know it takes an immense amount of courage, support and confidence in your convictions to take this bold step.
Hopefully athletes are being put in more supportive situations as the bad actors continue to be called out for their wrongdoings. In any case, athletes can lean on the framework above to advocate for themselves whether that’s within the sports world or navigating life after the game ends. To make decisions confidently takes practice and it starts with everyday moments like getting what you want when you ask for it. So, I invite you to notice how many small moments in the next week you can begin drawing attention to what you want and practice asking for it…until you get it.
Get that burger babe.
-- A
