Experiencing Grief Alongside Confidence
In sports, there is no shortage of experiencing grief.
From the very clear results of competition, to recovering from an injury and ultimately walking away from the game you love -- every athlete goes through grief. What I’ve found really profound in working with elite women athletes over the years is the difference between having very little to no agency in experiencing grief compared to actively choosing something that you know will bring you grief, and having the confidence to know that’s still your path.
So many transitions in life, including retiring from sports, often fall into one of these two categories. Both forms of grief require an ability to let go of a piece of who you are and look ahead to what could be next in your life.
When Grief Suddenly Happens to You
Athletes may experience this feeling when they reach the end of their career prematurely. When this happens, there are so many challenges around being blindsided or unprepared to take on what’s next without a sense of agency.
If you’ve been here, you may have felt like…
This situation isn’t fair
A desire to take control of things that are ultimately uncontrollable
If only you worked harder, the outcome would’ve been different
When I'm in this headspace, confidence isn’t always one of the emotions that rises to the top, it’s more like anger, sadness, fear, resentment, etc.
In order to move away from these feelings and towards confidence within the circumstances, I often find it’s helpful to…
Acknowledge the loss. Give the things you’re giving up some weight. Oftentimes when grief strikes us and we’re not ready for it, we feel a sense of helplessness. Remind yourself you’ve created incredible experiences before and you are capable of building new and brilliant things in your future.
Give energy to other parts of your life. There are 24 hours in a day. While grieving will look different for everyone, allowing yourself to think about, enjoy and be present with other things in your life is helpful to put your situation into perspective.
Talk it out. Unexpected grief is so, so tough. Finding a friend, family member or professional to talk to will undoubtedly allow you to feel a sense of normalcy, comfort or structure on how to move forward in a healthy way.
Actively Choosing a Path that will Bring Grief
When we get to the second type…where you do have the agency to make a decision that will inevitably cause you grief, this can bring a big old conflict of interest.
In this situation, I think of every athlete that reaches the pinnacle of their sport and is able to sustain that level of play for an extended period of time and then gets to choose when to walk away. Looking at you Sue Bird, Ali Krieger, Serena Williams…and the list goes on.
Making a decision where you have complicated feelings about what to do can be incredibly tough. I think this is true because even if you reach a point of confidence in making the decision, you realize you will be grieving the loss of something in your life…whether that is your identity as an active athlete or compromising on the other priorities that are meaningful in your life.
If you’ve been here, maybe you’ve felt…
Torn between two paths or realities that could be right for you
An instinct or intuitive knowing of what you want to do
Conflicted emotions around being ready for a new chapter and yet wanting to hold onto the comfort of what life is like today
In my experience, being able to hold space for two opposing emotions such as confidence and grief at the same time takes patience. I don’t think any of us would willingly choose hardships for ourselves, however the confidence you feel in the decision is the first light on a dark path you’re willing to walk down.
Being able to lean into these big emotions around walking confidently in the direction of your future and grieving the identity of your past allows you to feel all the little emotions in between as well. Actually feeling more emotions can be a wild ride. Perhaps it brings up things you’ve never felt before or that are hard to accept. Looking at this as a new muscle to be built or skill to be honed is so important in giving yourself grace.
So I encourage you to think about the last time you felt grief. Did you have any control in that moment? Were you able to feel confident in your new path at the time? If not, what have you learned now that the moment is in the past?
— A
