My Burnout Experience
Noticing the slide and making small decisions everyday.
Burnout, to me, is when our reality can become a series of lived experiences that are so far out of alignment with what we desire, value or get energy from that our life becomes unrecognizable.
Burnout has been around for a long time. There are plenty of articles about what athletic burnout is, the difference between burnout and languishing, some common symptoms of burnout and what to do if you find yourself in this situation. So I’ll leave it to the medical professionals to give you those details.
What I’ve found helpful in moments of stress, uncertainty or asking for help -- is a sense of normalcy or community. So I hope by sharing my own recent experience with burnout and what helped me over time, will resonate with you or those around you and allow room for empathy.
In early 2021, life was memorable for most of us. The pandemic was in full force. We didn’t have vaccines yet. Arguably nothing was ‘normal’ except for the amount of time spent at home trying new recipes, exercising from our homes and diving into the depths of Netflix.
I’d been working for a company for a few years, and this time in particular was filled with stressful moments every single day. Think taking a penalty-kick in a sold out Rose Bowl stadium during the 1999 Women’s World Cup Final (I wish). The company was barrelling towards an Initial Public Offering (IPO) and I was managing a team of incredibly brilliant people who had gone through a transformational shift in roles and responsibility. I took on an interim role as leader of the team and tried to be both confident and calm with my team as well as capable of implementing big changes successfully to my new boss. It was a stretch to say the least.
I began working 60+ hours a week, grinding to get through back to back meetings all day, 100s of emails at the end of the day and waking up early to try to tackle a few things on my to-do list. At first, I was cautiously optimistic that I could work my way through this new role by using the same skills and process that had led me to success before, I could just power through. I tried to maintain my perfectionist mindset…make a plan, over prepare for meetings, be 3 steps in front of everyone else. After a few short months, I began losing steam quickly. I didn’t have a good attitude about work, no matter how much I tried to get things right -- it never seemed to be enough and ultimately my apathy towards work grew. My confidence was wavering in my new boss and I didn’t have the experience or the desire to be acting as a conduit between my team and the ‘goals’ that were set in front of us.
More than this, I felt this growing distance between who I was at work and recognizing myself outside of that. I was so deeply anxious from work that I couldn’t find joy anywhere in my life. I began losing weight, couldn’t sleep and found myself longing for connection to myself. This felt like a slippery slope with small decisions adding up over time.
For me, the slide went like this…
Navigating high pressure situations with composure + confidence
Scenario planning + repetitive preparation to be the best
Reviewing my work incessantly + identifying opportunities for improvement
Talking about work all day, everyday with no outside interests
Burnout
I knew I needed some help both at work and personally. This caused a deep level of shame. I learned early in business school (where less than 20% of my peers were women) to work my ass off, take on extra projects or roles on campus, make my value impossible to miss. To ask for help meant that I had to admit to my own failures. Who wants to do that?!
Despite the shame I felt around this vulnerability or the potential impact to my career trajectory, I asked my boss for help, I started looking for therapists (see my first blog: Don’t Compromise on Who You Let In) and I made meditation a priority. I started saying no to things that didn’t align with my values at work and I started listening to myself during breathwork. I found pottery -- which still is one of the best things I’ve ever done. And at the end of the day, I quit my job and removed myself from people who were no longer serving me.
This wasn’t a quick fix and I felt lost for a long time. I still feel lost from time to time. But the beautiful thing about growth is you get to see the baby steps adding up over time. So the good news is -- you don’t need to make one big change, but rather small changes every day. And be patient with yourself because it takes space and time to allow those small steps to start to build some momentum. The most important lesson I’ve learned is nothing happens overnight AND we have control over our own decisions.
A few questions to consider if you feel in the thick of things right now…
How does your body store + reflect stress?
What are your indicators of things being out of alignment?
Do you have confidants or resources to ask for help when it’s really, really uncomfortable?
What are some hobbies or interests that bring you joy?
What’s one small ritual you can add to your day to get that momentum going?
We’ve all been there.
— A
