Fear of Failure
Start seeing failure as non-binary.
Athletes know winning and losing better than most. What about when we’re moving beyond sports and starting over?
So often, success in sports is bred on leveraging failure as a mechanism to drive competition, resilience, strength, or even anger. I bet every athlete can think of at least one rival in their sport who they LOVED to beat. This fuels our dedication to the sport we love and is commonly used to get athletes to push themselves for greatness. There are also so many stories of athletes and coaches using failure as an unhealthy mechanism for growth or success. If you haven’t read Lauren Fleshman’s Good for a Girl -- please consider giving it a read. Not only does she outline the ups and downs of her experience as a professional runner and the toll it takes on her body, but she also outlines societal norms perpetrated by sports titans who reward athletes for literally sacrificing their bodies for success, fame and money.
So when athletes make the pivot and begin stepping away from sports or transition from a starter to a role player -- the acceptance of this phase can be seen as a failure. You didn’t work hard enough, you’re giving up or you just need to dedicate more time. Before going to this place of ‘failure’, consider re-framing your experience to understand how you feel in the present moment and what that means for you today in your athletic journey.
Here are a few suggestions to start reframing ‘failure’.
Call that sh*t something else
Look for the lessons
Don’t wager all of your happiness on one bet
Call that sh*t something else.
Words carry weight. They have definitions, connotations, influence on us and can affect how we feel when we let those words sink in. So when a perceived failure happens in life -- dropping out of medical school is one for me -- call it something else. That decision was a realization that I wasn’t really enjoying the path I was on and it allowed me to take a step back and reassess what I did find joy in. So instead of calling it a failure or dropping out -- I called it a deferment and it allowed me space to pivot into something more aligned with how I wanted to feel at work.
Here are a few alternate words to replace failure:
Pivot: Moving your time and energy from one place to another
Evolve: Outgrowing a space that used to make sense for you and now doesn’t
Focus: Paying attention to certain things in life that hold a higher priority than others in this moment
Empower: Understanding the work that has gone into where you are today (even if it’s short of your goal) has given you strength that you didn’t have before
Defer: Pausing your energy on one area or activity and allowing space for rest and refocus
Look for the lessons.
Have you ever noticed when you are looking to buy something new -- a car perhaps -- and you really want a black car, you start noticing every black car on the road? Maybe a little confirmation bias happening here -- but the same can be true when we put our energy towards finding the lessons in our failures.
When you think about a past failure, what are some of the lessons you remember from that experience?
Generally speaking, lessons are those takeaways that you remember because they’ve left an impression on you. This could be tough feedback from a coach or a moment on the field you wish you could have back. And you’ll remember those lessons for a long time after this failed experience.
Here are a few prompts for finding the lessons in our upsets:
What would your past self say about what you’ve accomplished today?
How would a good friend describe how they see you?
What grace or compassion would your future self give to you at this moment?
How have your strengths evolved over the last few years?
Name how you feel in the midst of a perceived failure
Name how you want to feel instead
What is driving the feeling you want to have?
Ego?
Money?
Perception of success?
Pride?
Values?
Don’t wager all of your happiness on one bet.
The last bit of advice I’ll give is about betting on yourself. And betting on yourself in different ways. So much of our successes rely on us betting on ourselves. Of course we have folks in our corner -- bringing us structure, routine, feedback, challenge, and reinforcement. And when we’re in periods of transition, perhaps away from sports or looking at sports in a different way, those relationships may be in a period of transition as well. The key thing to realize is that our lives (and us) are always evolving and this is true for your athletic identity as well as your needs, wants and interests outside of sports as well.
So my advice for an athlete at any stage, is to get to know yourself beyond sports. Because at the end of the day, you have to live with yourself. In this process of getting to know yourself, give some space to how different experiences make you feel. And begin devoting attention to those things. This could be as simple as cooking a new recipe a few nights a week, trying new coffee shops, collecting records, starting a shoe collection or fostering relationships with folks who you want to be in your life. Just like one person can’t be your whole world, sports shouldn’t be either.
Here are a few challenges for you to consider:
Put a time limit on your phone
Create a mood board (or a list in your phone) for activities you want to try this year
Start a meditation practice to set your intention for the day or week
What brings you joy outside of your sport?
Reflect on when you last felt like a kid
What were you doing?
Who were you with?
Get a little curious this week! How will you redefine failure?
— A
